Engaged to My Best Friend

I've thought many times throughout my life, even as a young middle schooler, that I might never get married. I really wanted to, but as a teenager I didn't think I was pretty or cool enough for a man to ever want me. Throughout my twenties, each relationship ended, and after my last breakup right before my 30th birthday, I thought that maybe being single in my lifetime was the Lord's plan. I also felt peace - if that was His plan, it would be okay and I would continue to live a fruitful, joyful life. 

We just never know what His plans will be, but I've learned over and over again to put my trust in Him. The way things have unfolded this year were very unexpected, but have shown me that Heavenly Father knows exactly what will bring the greatest learning and happiness. He wants all of His sons and daughters to find a spouse for eternity, and He wants that person to be someone who will bring them great happiness. It would be better that I would be single in this lifetime than to marry a man not as wonderful and perfect for me as Clayton. Do not settle. I would wait 50 more years or longer if it meant waiting for a man like him.

After I met Clayton in person for the first time and had spent a couple of days getting to know him, there were several distinct feelings I had. One was that I wanted to marry him, or someone just like him, and I began praying for this several times a week. Second was that I was so grateful that the Lord had said no in the past about other relationships. Those relationships were good and taught me essential lessons, but after meeting Clayton, I knew that I wouldn't have been as happy or complete with anyone I had dated in the past, and that they wouldn't have been as happy with me. Heavenly Father is so good and loving to allow us to go through heartbreaks because He can see what is ahead. I can't thank Him enough.

In 2018 I discovered that I was battling anxiety and probably have been throughout my life. I just finally had a therapist tell me that I was. This anxiety made dating really difficult. It was hard to know if feelings I was having were from anxiety or the Lord warning me. Therapy and medicine helped so much. 

From the day I met Clayton to today, I have still experienced anxiety. Even the day he proposed I began fearing the future and if I was making the right choice. Some days I feel anxious and cry because I just don't know if I'm ready to be a good wife - what if I'm too selfish or impatient? Anxiety definitely affects our relationship. Getting engaged does not take it away. But there is a MAJOR difference with Clayton. Instead of the relationship or him triggering or increasing the anxiety, it naturally comes and Clayton helps alleviate it. His kindness, understanding, ability to listen and ask the right questions about my feelings, and his prayers weekly that I will be able to manage and overcome my anxiety, have all brought me peace. 

I've rambled on enough and want to briefly share our story below, but first I want to summarize my thoughts above into distinct lessons I've learned:

• We all have different journeys. It may include a few dating experiences or many, marriage or not, maybe even divorce. Trust in the Lord through that journey and know that if we follow and obey Him, everything will work out and we can have eternal joy.
• Do not settle. We don't marry perfection, but we should look for potential. Of course everyone has potential, but there is a difference between someone actively seeking to be their best and someone sort of sloughing through life who isn't trying to reach their potential. Don't settle for sloughing. Don't get married just to be married or to feel validated/valued! Get married because you want to and you are in love and you feel that you can continue to grow and become your best self with that person.
• Getting a boyfriend, getting engaged or getting married will not cure anxiety. They might even increase opportunities to feel anxious. And that's okay.
• I have also felt guilty for being engaged. Many of my amazing friends are single, and I feel like they deserve marriage much more than I. Now I'll only be able to empathize with friends who are single up until they are 31, not 40 or 50. I'm not sure how to overcome this guilt except to trust that the Lord knows what is best for all of my family and friends. Relationship status has nothing to do with our worth or value.

So like I said above, Clayton made a great 1st impression, great enough to get me praying to marry him. And most people know that we were set up by our mutual friends, Don & Shea and then began Marco Poloing until we met in person. After we met, we started talking a LOT more. One night for about 6 hours. When I visited his family for Easter, we had our first kiss and officially started dating. It's about that same time when we both started realizing that we loved each other. 

Because of Covid, I was working from home, so I was able to visit Clayton regularly for weeks at a time. I would stay with families from his church and work at his apartment during the day. I'm not exactly sure when we started talking about marriage (we can't even figure out when our first date was!), but pretty quickly that desire came. And in this relationship I felt for the first time that marriage could actually happen. And most of the time when we discussed marriage or wedding plan ideas, I felt excited instead of anxious. 

On July 25th, I flew into Omaha to visit Clayton for another week. That day, he proposed on a trail that overlooks Omaha and the Missouri River. I was pretty shocked, not because we hadn't discussed marriage but because I thought it would be at least another month before he proposed. And he had just texted a couple of days before about how he was a little worried about getting married and if he could be a good husband. But Clayton doesn't let fear stop him. He is the best example to me of steadfastly pursuing hopes and goals. 

I said yes! I had a little anxiety afterwards like I said above. I hadn't felt some strong manifestation from God that this was exactly the course to pursue. But I took some time to look over the past few months and saw evidence and guidance all along the way leading me to Clayton. I remembered the first feelings I had with him - that I needed to marry this guy or someone just like him. Heavenly Father answered my prayers. 

I love Clayton so much and can't wait to marry him in November, in a Temple of God, where we will be sealed for all eternity by someone who holds Priesthood power and authority to bind on earth and in Heaven.

Love, Ash