Anxious McGhee

Hmmm. I don't know where to start with this post. In the future I may share more specifics about what's helping me, but today I'm not going to share everything I know about anxiety or how to manage it, because I don't know very much. I just want to share an overview of my little story so far because this blog is an outlet for me, and maybe something I've experienced can help someone else - or maybe someone will read this and have really good advice they can share with me.

Years ago in college, my grandmother sent me a magnet to put on my refrigerator that said "stress less, pray more" because when she would call me to check in I was always so negative about school and myself.  We're all human, so we get anxious and that's okay, and I don't think I was more anxious than any normal college student. But that magnet me reminded me to pray when I started feeling worried, and I know prayer still sustains me through anxiety today.

After I graduated, I was in a relationship where I cried almost every night as I would pray about whether to get married or serve a mission, and I could not decide what to do. And that relationship lasted about a year. Looking back now at that time of my life, I would say I had some more serious anxiety than I realized.

Before I decided to move to China, I was invited to think about leading an organization to help in Haiti, and I LOVE Haiti. But I also really wanted to go live in China for a year and felt pulled in that direction. One night as I pondered the pros and cons I started crying uncontrollably and was sort of gasping for breath. Then I remembered my roommate telling me something about anxiety attacks and how if you called BYU's hotline for stuff like this they would tell you to focus on something near you and start counting, so I did that and was able to calm down. I eventually did go to China and it was the right path for me. And life went on with little worry or anxiety for awhile (except that one time I missed a flight!!).

This year some experiences and important decisions have triggered anxiety to a greater level than I've ever felt before, to the point that I could say with certainty that this is not a normal level of worry or stress and that I cannot do this on my own. Fortunately I have an amazing family and boyfriend and many close friends who are so supportive. My mom encouraged me to see a counselor, and each time I've met with him, I've left more hopeful and more uplifted.

A friend that I served a mission with started a Marco Polo (best app ever) group with friends from our mission to share things we are learning as we read the Book of Mormon, and now 25 or so of us are in the group. As I've read the Book of Mormon and shared my thoughts, listened to their insights and reconnected with these amazing women for the past few days, I've felt so much light come back into my life. And even though anxious thoughts still come, I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and that all of us women were put in each other's paths for a reason. Several of them have also shared that they have struggled or now struggle with anxiety, and that brings me peace knowing that I'm not alone.

I also felt a strong pull to move back home with my family. This was a difficult decision because I had the BEST roommates in Richmond and loved the home we were living in. But I knew that being close to my family at this time is a support and safety that I need. I also started going to church with my family rather than the young adult congregation I was meeting with before. And this has been really helpful as well in increasing my feelings of safety and peace. These were decisions I had to make prayerfully and what I knew I needed - I'm not suggesting that this would be best for everyone.

In the last few days what I've come to feel is that no matter what, life can have joy and love and hope. I know that God commands us to fear not, so it is my responsibility to do whatever I can and seek help to manage anxiety so that my fearful thoughts can be replaced with trust and all the other good feelings and thoughts the Lord wants me to feel. Those feelings come through the Holy Ghost, which I can't feel when I'm consumed with fear.

Final thought-THANK YOU to everyone, ever, everywhere who has posted about anxiety and been vulnerable and honest either in a public way (like a facebook post I may have read in passing years ago) or in a personal conversation with me. Because of that, I haven't felt the stigma some people may feel with anxiety, and I've been able to be pretty open from the start with the people I feel safest with.