Why I Went Back to Work

Hello! It's been a minute (5 years). I've had a lot of life changes. Getting married, having two kids, a few moves.

I was so excited when the day came to quit my job and be a stay-at-home mom, a homemaker. That was something I dreamed about since I was a little kid. And it went pretty well at first. I felt like a really good mom. I didn't feel like a great wife. The hormonal changes with pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding and the day-to-day challenges put a lot of stress on me, and I think I took a lot of that out on my husband. So, I started therapy to work on myself in my marriage. 

Then baby number two came, and the conversations with my therapist changed to how I felt I was a bad mom. I don't know if I had postpartum depression or what it was, but even with an increase in my Zoloft dose, I was losing it most days. Clayton worked long days, leaving the house at 7:00 and getting home at 6:30. By 5:00 everything was a trigger, and I was not being the mom that I wanted to be. I'm sad to say that there were a couple of times that I spanked my little two year old - even though everything in me felt that was wrong - and many more times that I yelled at him. He was very good at imitating my baby's cries and would cry in unison with her for fun. He also could not control his impulses to hit her or push her everytime he walked by. I couldn't leave them alone for a second all day, so most days I was overstimulated. I learned that getting out of the house with them as much as I could and being around other people really helped, but neither of those were always possible. I knew that something needed to change because I wanted better for my kids. They are the most precious little people in the whole world, and I love them so much.

Around the same time, Clayton was feeling unfulfilled in his job and his career field in general. He came home most days feeling empty with little good to say about his day. My heart was breaking for him. We began to have daily discussions about what we should do, and ultimately decided that we should switch roles and test that out and see if it would work for our family at least at this time.

I reached out to my former boss and found out they were hiring for my old position and was basically told I would be welcomed back. I accepted, and Clayton put in his month's notice. Clayton became a stay-at-home dad, and I began to work remotely again. Business Insider even interviewed Clayton and wrote an artcile about all of this from his perspective! You can read it here.

That was almost a year ago, and I have learned a few things. 

1. My husband is an amazing father. He does so much for the kids and is extremely patient with them. He is the kind of parent that I am striving to be.
2. It really is true that God's plans are better than what we may have envisioned for ourselves. I didn't know how much pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum mental health issues would affect me. I never expected to have a short temper and the rage that I was experiencing. God knew how it would be, and He put miracles in place - my old job open at the right time, a salary high enough to provide for my family, a part-time teaching job for Clayton to help with the income, parents near us who could help watch the kids when Clayton was teaching part time, the ability to work remotely so I could see my kids throughout the day and even breastfeed while my baby was still doing that. 
3. Healing after having a baby takes time. I am doing so much better, but my body and mind are still healing.
4. It is hard working and then switching over to mom-mode after work. I was hard on Clayton before when he was working about not helping with stuff around the house as much as I wanted him to (even though he did a lot) and other things. Now that the roles are reversed, we both know how hard each other's jobs were, and we are so much more supportive of each other.
5. There is a lot of guilt if I want to do stuff for myself (like going on a run or spending time with friends) because I feel like any time I'm not working, I should be playing with my kids. Maybe I now understand more how Clayton felt the same when he was working. We both have to remember self-care, hobbies and time with friends are important too and just work together to balance those things while making each other and our kids the first priority.
6. Every family situation is different. We shouldn't judge others, and should seek to do what we feel is right for our own families and support others in their circumstances!

<3 Ash